I’m sitting here in my living room watching “A Double Shot At Love” and this immense feeling of loneliness just crept over me. It’s absolutely ridiculous that a show like this could actually trigger a feeling like this for me, but unfortunately it did. Ever since I came home for winter break, I’ve been expecting to see someone who means a lot too me. I tried a few times, and he just blew me off every time, even for my birthday. The one day he promised that we would get to see each other, I didn’t even hear from him. And that hurt a lot. Me and him have an absolutely ridiculous history, and unfortunately, if you look at our history you can see that the way this winter break played out is quite repetitive.
I decided as a New Year’s resolution that I would try my best to get over said boy. And so far it is slowly working. I haven’t contacted him in any way, even though I’ve honestly caught myself randomly about to text him, especially when intoxicated. But even though I haven’t contacted him, I think about him constantly. Little things remind me of him, talking to other guys makes me feel like I’m cheating on him, and hearing about him puts me on the edge of tears. Oddly enough though I haven’t cried over him yet. I’ve only felt like this with one guy before, and I constantly cried over him, but this guy, I can’t bring myself to cry over. It makes me wonder if I really do love him like I think I do. When I am with him, nothing in the world could bring me down, and when I’m away from him, I can’t stop thinking about him, but what if it’s just a crush. Maybe I don’t love him. Maybe I don’t know what love it, like I thought I did. What I do know is that it is the most confusing thing in the world and I will never fully understand it.
I hate the feeling of loneliness. It makes me run to the closest thing that makes me feel loved, and usually that ends badly. This was a terrible rant about my loneliness and I’m sorry. It’s just something I need to get out of my head and on to some “paper”.
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