Let's Talk About Police Brutality.

Some of the guys in We The Kings and Forever The Sickest Kids, including their crew, were involved in a brutal beating by the Philadelphia Police. It’s not yet known why this incident happened, but according to tweets from Travis Clark, Jonathan Cook, and Caleb Turman (from We The Kings and Forever The Sickest Kids respectively) the police pulled nightsticks, and were screaming, “Do you want to die tonight?” and “We don’t care about you!” Three people where then brought to jail, and one was brought to the hospital for head injuries. 
Apparently this all started when the guys were loading the vans in front of the club when the incident occurred.

Alt Press was the first to cover it. Here’s the link to the article.
http://www.altpress.com/news/6642.htm

There are videos and pictures and witnesses who posted blog immediately after the incident. You can find links to these through the link above. 

This is ridiculous! Abuse of power at it’s best. Let’s hope something happens to the police officers involved. Completely unnecessary!

God And Other Debates.

A friend and I had a discussion tonight that I found a lot of inspiration from. My friend, we will call her Tiffany in case she wants to remain anonymous, is a strong, beautiful, woman. She has her goals in life, and her beliefs and she won’t let anyone tear her down for what she believes. Tonight we got to talking about her beliefs and some things that she wants in a man. The one thing that came up that led to the discussion is that she wants to marry a man who shares the same religious beliefs as her. She shared a verse with me from the bible that helped with her reasoning, and the verse was: 

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty. 2 Corinthians 6:14-18

Now, when I read this verse, I took it as, a believer and non believer should not be associated with the other. So for me and her to be such good friends like we are, we are in the wrong. She said that for her, it’s in the dating and marriage sense. In her opinion, she doesn’t want to marry someone who has different beliefs as her, because down the road, one or both could start to stray away from their beliefs and start following the other’s, and that isn’t fair to the other. Another issue she is worried about is that if her and her husband were to have children, how would they decide to raise their children when it comes to religion. In all honesty, I can see why she would worry about this, but at the same time, I believe that if you are meant to be with someone, same religious beliefs or not, everything would work out. I would like to think that everyone would be open and supportive enough to accept that the love of their life believes something different, and that is okay, because in my opinion, in the end we all end up in the same place, even if our beliefs say differently. Of course that is just my opinion. 

So I guess the question to really think about is this, can two people who have to completely different religious beliefs, be happily married for the long run without straying away from their beliefs? I like to think optimistically and say yes, while others will say no. Unfortunately it’s hard to truly say yes or no. And while everyone likes to think that their religion or beliefs are the correct ones, there isn’t a single person who can say they know for sure who is right and who is wrong. Religion will always be a never-ending debate. People don’t like to settle and accept that they may be wrong, we are a stubborn group and most are extremely close- minded. 

Give me your opinions!

Jealousy is a disease..

And I am definitely suffering from it right now. I don’t usually get jealous, and I know a lot of people make that claim, but I really don’t. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that things work out for some people while for others they don’t, and I am okay with that. I know that things will and are going to work out for me. One day. I just wish that day would come sooner. See, I’ve always struggled to find the one thing in life that I’m truly passionate about. When I found it, I didn’t recognize it, and when I didn’t recognize it, I just forgot about it. So I just started doing it again, and by it I mean photography. I transferred to an art school, and started learning more about photography. I’ve been out there shooting, doing favors for friends who need head shots, taking pictures at rugby games, and even doing some local shows. I read books to learn new techniques and gain a greater knowledge for what I love. So i guess you’re wondering where the jealousy comes in, right? Well, it seems like no matter how hard I work, I’m not getting anywhere. I have friends who do photography as well, and they have had so many amazing opportunities, and I can’t help but be jealous of them. I have friends who aren’t even photography majors, and they are out there coming across opportunities and I can’t help but want to scream out of frustration, when i know I should be happy for them. I truly love taking pictures, but I feel like I’m going no where. 

So how do I change this? How do I get passed the jealousy and just move forward and keep working towards my goal? This last semester I finally got this motivation, this push, to work harder, learn more, go out and shoot more. I started to see a change in my work, and receive compliments from people. It felt great, and then it all came crashing down about a month ago. Other aspects in my life started bringing my down and I lost my motivation and fell into a slump, kind of like the one I went through in high school. Back then I didn’t care about anything and so I didn’t work hard for anything. All I cared about was having fun with my friends, and living life. Now I want to have fun, live life, and do something that could inspire someone else. 

Photography is my release, next to music it’s all I have. It’s what I live for, and I’m hurting myself by letting this jealousy take over my life. I need to fight this and get that motivation back.

 

It seems like things are working out for everyone else but me. Not just with photography, but also with life in general. I can’t find a job, I’m struggling in school, my parents want me to move out, my heart is broken when it shouldn’t be, so many things, and I just wonder when will I catch a break? I don’t want to be this depressed, emo person who complains all the time, but I don’t want to fake like I’m happy. I just wish I was strong.

What does the future hold?

I haven’t been writing much, mainly because I’ve been so busy and also because once again, I’ve been lacking in inspiration. I noticed that I rarely feel inspired, especially when looking at other people’s work. Instead of getting ideas and becoming inspired, I get upset and start doubting myself, which leads to me not wanting to write or take pictures. I know that there are always going to be people who are better than me, and I should be happy about that, I should learn from them. But I look at it as I will never be that good, so I should just stop trying. It’s a vicious circle of self doubt, never-ending and painful emotionally and mentally. If that weren’t enough, I beat myself up for not being able to produce work so often. I see other photographers going out and shooting everyday, looking at things and seeing the beauty in it all, and then I look at myself and see that I do the complete opposite. I don’t shoot everyday. I see things and think, well that would be beautiful, if only I had my camera. Maybe I should bring my camera with me more, but I’m so scared that it will get broken. And as for my writing, I really should try doing that everyday. It’s sad though, I really need someone there pushing me to do things. But when I have that person, I get angry with them for pushing me. Maybe there is just something terribly wrong with me. This is an ongoing fight in my mind.

            I think I might have figured out why I haven’t been so inspired lately. When I was living in San Francisco I was constantly taking pictures. They may not have been the best, but I was taking pictures. When I moved back home to Kenosha, the inspiration kind of died out. And even though moving back home was the best choice for me mentally and emotionally, I feel like artistically it was a terrible choice. Unfortunately, I am not ready to move out of this town again, I am not emotionally stable enough to be away from my support system. And that brings me to the question, will I ever been emotionally stable enough to move away from my family and friends, my support system? I’ve become dependent on them and make every decision based on their opinions. So how do you pull away from that, and become more independent? Or is relying on my support system not a bad thing at all? Our society tells us now that you have to be independent and only rely on yourself. So does my relying on my friends and family mean that I am a weak person? Or is society wrong? And how do we discover when we are strong enough to go out on our own? It’s thoughts like these that keep me up at night. So what do we do? Just push them to the back of our mind, or try and figure out the answers? Like I said, it’s a never-ending vicious circle of self doubt in my mind.

The Color Fred and City And Colour

Last night I was blessed enough to be able to go see City and Colour and The Color Fred for free in Chicago. I have to admit I was a little nervous that me and my friend wouldn’t be able to get in because there would be so many people there, but we lucked out, got in and had amazing spots! The show was amazing to say the least, and intimate with only a guitar and mic in between us. Definitely a great way to start off the year concert-wise.

The show started off with The Color Fred, and he was wonderful. He has this great energy and all of his songs sounded great even though it was an acoustic set. I have to say, the man can play the guitar. I got so distracted watching his fingers I forgot to take pictures during one song. The man knows how to interact with a crowd too. “You guys are truly awesome!” He said at one point, with someone quickly responding back,” No man, you’re awesome!” The conversation then quickly became comical, with Fred saying,”Okay well if you guys know how awesome you are, I won’t tell you anymore!” He was so funny and really took time to converse with people while he was up on stage. Everyone loved his goofy comments and big smile. He handled some obnoxious drunk dudes quite well also. And he is one chill dude to meet, so grateful to everyone he met and talked to.

City and Colour played next and even though there were some very rude people up front, Dallas Green was absolutely phenomenal. He left the set up to crowd, which brought on chaos, but the show was excellent. This was my first time seeing Dallas play live and I was excited to find that he really can sing as well as he does on his cd’s. Most bands sound different, sometimes strained when singing live, but Dallas has an incredible talent. He hypnotizes the crowd with the way he radiates with emotion during each song. You could really tell that Dallas doesn’t look at himself as some huge rockstar, but as someone who is really doing the one thing he loves. His presence on stage wasn’t a cocky, “I’m the shit” presence, but a calm, relatively shy, and entrancing presence. He was soft spoken and funny, and quick to admit that he didn’t remember how to play certain songs. (Which he actually did play a song that he at first didn’t remember, but worked through it for the fan who requested it. That’s pure awesomeness in my eyes.) Dallas’ voice and guitar playing is beautiful to say the least, and his music is definitely something everyone should experience live.

Meeting Fred and Dallas was just the icing on the cake. They are both extremely chill guys and really do take time out to talk to all of their fans. Instead of just taking a quick picture or signing something quickly, they converse with people, make phone calls for fans who couldn’t make it. Dallas and Fred truly awesome guys, amazing musicians and really care about the music and their fans!

Happiness Is A Warm Gun...

I’m sitting here in my living room watching “A Double Shot At Love” and this immense feeling of loneliness just crept over me. It’s absolutely ridiculous that a show like this could actually trigger a feeling like this for me, but unfortunately it did. Ever since I came home for winter break, I’ve been expecting to see someone who means a lot too me. I tried a few times, and he just blew me off every time, even for my birthday. The one day he promised that we would get to see each other, I didn’t even hear from him. And that hurt a lot. Me and him have an absolutely ridiculous history, and unfortunately, if you look at our history you can see that the way this winter break played out is quite repetitive. 

I decided as a New Year’s resolution that I would try my best to get over said boy. And so far it is slowly working. I haven’t contacted him in any way, even though I’ve honestly caught myself randomly about to text him, especially when intoxicated. But even though I haven’t contacted him, I think about him constantly. Little things remind me of him, talking to other guys makes me feel like I’m cheating on him, and hearing about him puts me on the edge of tears. Oddly enough though I haven’t cried over him yet. I’ve only felt like this with one guy before, and I constantly cried over him, but this guy, I can’t bring myself to cry over. It makes me wonder if I really do love him like I think I do. When I am with him, nothing in the world could bring me down, and when I’m away from him, I can’t stop thinking about him, but what if it’s just a crush. Maybe I don’t love him. Maybe I don’t know what love it, like I thought I did. What I do know is that it is the most confusing thing in the world and I will never fully understand it.

I hate the feeling of loneliness. It makes me run to the closest thing that makes me feel loved, and usually that ends badly. This was a terrible rant about my loneliness and I’m sorry. It’s just something I need to get out of my head and on to some “paper”.

Taser or Gun?

 The one question I have concerning the shooting of a man in the BART station in San Francisco is how do you confuse a gun and a taser? And if they are so easy to confuse, why would they be next to each other in a holster? Unfortunately for this officer he grabbed the wrong weapon. This also brings me to question what kind of taser he had. Going by the video it had to of been one that shoots out because the officer stood up over the man and shoots, so either he knew he had the gun and shot him on purpose, or his taser shoots out. (Which by the way is the kind of taser I want!) So let’s look into this a little more. The officer cuffs the man and puts him face down on the ground. It is obvious there is a bit of a struggle and a second cop helps restrain the man, however with two officers there is still quite a bit of a struggle. Officer number one reaches for something on his holster and then brings his hand back down quickly as if checking to see if he has either his gun or taser. After bringing his hand down and trying to restrain the man, he brings his hand back up, grabs his gun, stands up, and shoots the man. Not even a second after this happens he looks distraught, everyone stands up and backs away, obviously shocked, and the officer brings his hands to his head then down to his knees, quite obviously upset. So what is it? An accident or a purposeful shooting? If the officer meant to do it, well he obviously didn’t know what it would feel like, and if it was an accident, well then he is obviously not very smart since he mixed up a taser and a gun. And hey, maybe it’s a lot easier to mix the two up than I thought, I’ve never held a taser, let alone seen one, so I can’t be quite sure on that part, but I am positive that you go through training, and that officer went through two different trainings. He should have known what he was grabbing. He is at fault, whether it was an accident or not, and he will have to live with this forever, but in my eyes, I think it was an accident. I sincerely hope that people will get over this whole racist thing. He did not do it because the man was black, quit trying to blame every little thing on racism. He was either trigger happy or it was an accident. But this definitely was not a racism thing.

Did SNL Go To Far?

 Recently on Saturday Night Live there was a skit during their Weekend Update section that has raised a lot of controversy. The skit, consisting of Seth Meyers and Fred Armisen, mainly joked about New York’s Governor David Patterson and his being blind. While many found the skit entertaining, there are also quite a few people, including the Governor himself, seriously offended by it. Unfortunately in our society today everyone has to be politically correct, and I find that to be quite ridiculous, especially when it comes to comedy. From the beginning, comedy has always sought out the most uncomfortable of situations and made them funny. And comedians have always made fun of people, no matter who they were. No one gets upset when a comedian makes fun of someone who we as a society agree has some sort of crazy issue going on, but the minute a comedian makes fun of someone for either their inability to see, or maybe hear, everyone gets defensive. So this makes me wonder, what really makes these people upset? The fact that the said comedian is actually in the wrong, or the fact that they actually found it funny, but think that morally that is wrong? 

          Personally I think that political correctness is a bunch of bullshit. We shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells and watch what we say just because it might insult someone. Sometimes things just need to be said. Yeah, it might hurt, but you get over it. Doesn’t anyone remember the saying their parents taught them when they were younger, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” Yeah let’s start living by that. With all of the stress that we as a society are facing right now, we need a little laughter. Everyone is fair game to a comedian. Take what a comedian says or does with a grain of salt. Life is way too short to take anything too seriously anyway.

People Watching= Me Rambling

It’s the holiday season once again, and I’m sitting in the San Francisco Airport two hours early waiting for my flight back home. Sitting here, watching all of these people wander around looking for their gate, or something to do while they wait for their flight, I start to wonder about their lives. The old couple sitting across from me, the hippie chick across the room, the girl doing yoga, or the creepy guy who won’t stop staring at me. Are they going home to visit family, or maybe going to do some big charity job? And what makes them do the things they are doing? Obviously the old couple is just old and silly to me, but what a darling couple. Both using hand- sanitizing wipes munching on their little sandwiches. I wonder what they were like when they were my age. Considering that was probably a good 60 years ago, I bet they have some fabulous stories.

The hippie chick has been scanning the room like a paranoid schizophrenic. I think she might be doing the same thing as me, either writing about what she is experiencing or maybe drawing. She looks like she would be into drawing.

The girl doing yoga, well… what the hell? That’s all I can think. Who does yoga in the middle of an airport? Kind of odd if you ask me. And she can’t be doing it to relax since she is reading a textbook while doing it. This really makes me wonder what people are thinking. Is she just trying to show off her skills? Or does she have to do the moves every so often so that she doesn’t forget how to do them? Or maybe it’s a studying technique. Intriguing, yet odd. 

The creepy guy who won’t stop staring at me has a porn star moustache and a scar across his face. I can’t decide which is scarier, the moustache or the fact that he has a hat that could be a replica of Indiana Jones’ hat. Hmm, maybe he goes on crazy adventures like Indiana Jones, which would explain how he got that scar. Fighting someone in the desert while searching for a lost jewel or something.

People have stories upon stories to explain why they are the way they are. And every single one of them piques my interest to the point of starting random conversation just to find out a little about them. I’m probably the creepy one, looking for a reason to talk to someone. Like this lady on the shuttle, I noticed she had a military id and I felt a sudden connection. I mean, my dad is in the military, so we are connected sort of. I learned that her husband is ex military, and that she is heading to London. She was very nice too. She helped me find my gate and we got to talking about my photography. I love when other people take an interest in learning about someone they don’t even know. If more people were like that I think our world would be a little better. Learning little facts about someone on a bus, or train, or plane, really makes you humanize the world a bit more. We all get so wrapped up in our own lives; we don’t realize that there are a billion other people out there who do affect our lives in a way we don’t think about. It’s kind of cool if you think about it. Somewhere in the world there is someone doing something that not only affects his or her lives, but also potentially affects yours and mine.

Oh the things that come to me when I’m running on a few hours of sleep and I’m sitting bored in an airport people watching. 

Say No To Hate.

 As most Californians, and probably most of the U.S., are aware Proposition 8 passed. Now, I’m a firm believer in voting for what you believe, but to take away a human’s rights is just unfair and wrong. Most people who voted yes, which was surprisingly most of California, say that they are protecting traditional marriages. But how can we protect traditional marriages when hardly any marriage is traditional nowadays? A traditional marriage would consist of a man and woman who are of the same race, religion, and class (usually) and were virgins. Today we see many marriages that are biracial, different religious beliefs, and most people are not virgins when they get married. So technically traditional marriages was destroyed a long time ago. Using that as a reason is just hiding behind hate. I would think that after electing our first black president, we would be able to get passed discrimination and allow anyone the right to get married. Instead of taking a step forward, we took three steps back. 

     Proposition 8 passed, and Proposition 2 passed. We gave animals rights and took away a person’s right to marry. How does that make sense? Yes prop 2 needed to be passed. I am glad that the people of California could agree on that, but how did they allow for Prop 8 to pass? How could you allow a law to take away a human being’s right to marry who they love? They are just the same as everyone else. We are all born to love, some are born to love the opposite sex, while others are born to love the same sex. These are things that can’t be stopped, and we shouldn’t be allowed to take away their rights. It’s just wrong. 

      So for all of you people who voted yes on Prop 8, just remember, one day you may have a son or daughter, or maybe even a grandson or daughter, who wants to marry the love of their life, but can’t because you voted yes on Prop 8. How will you feel when they are so torn apart because they don’t have the same right as you do? Just think about that one.

Are You Voting?

   So the election is tomorrow. We all are going into the polls to vote and some of us, especially people my age, are quite uninformed. All we know is what the media tells us, and lets be honest, the media isn’t the best source to make an informed voting decision. Their mission is to make one candidate look like an ass while making the other look better than God. So how do we become informed and make a good decision based on what we believe? We can start by ignoring the media and going straight to the source. Look at each candidate’s websites and read what they have to say. Yes, each candidate is going to make their ideas sound so great, but you will be able to relate to one of the candidates and know who you agree with more. Also, read up on the propositions and look at which candidate agrees with your decision on the propositions. Some of these are very important, especially prop 8 and prop 4 (at least to me). 

      Prop 8 is all about marriage and whether or not same sex marriage should be legalized. In my opinion I fully believe that it should. By voting yes on Prop 8, you are saying that gay and lesbian couples are not allowed to be married. Marriage is a sacred thing to be shared between two people who love each other, we shouldn’t be allowed to turn a couple away because of their sex. Being gay is not something you choose, its something you feel. Just like being straight. We can’t choose to be straight, we are born straight, so how can we honestly believe that someone wasn’t born to love the same sex? We can’t. No one would choose to be put through all of the harassment, pain, and fear that gays and lesbians are put through. It’s all about feelings and emotions and who you feel them towards. So say no to Prop 8 because everyone has the right to legally marry the person they love, whether it be same sex or opposite sex. 

Prop 4 is about abortion and whether or not the girl’s parents should be notified at least 48 hours before the procedure. Now I know that we all want our children to be able to speak to their parents about anything, but in certain cases we just can’t. It’s hard to tell yourself that you’re pregnant, or even a friend, and it’s 20 times harder to tell your parents. If this were to pass, many girls would stray away from going to a safe and licensed clinic to somewhere shady or do it themselves. They might even consider suicide. Now suicide already has a high rate, and if this prop were to pass it would get higher, but that’s a different subject. The fact that these girls would resort to self induced abortions, or unhealthy acts to abort the child is way more upsetting than knowing that teens are going behind their parents’ backs to get an abortion. Voting yes on prop 4 would lead to more dangerous situations for these girls.

Now there are quite a few more props to vote on, but to me those are the most important. Like I said before, please read up on all of them, and do some research on the candidates. Don’t go to the polls tomorrow blinded by the media. Think for yourself and vote for who you think can make this country and this economy better.

Why Men Cheat.

So I just read an article titled “Why Men Cheat” and let me say I am quite disappointed. I thought this article was going to be about men truly manning up and explaining why they cheat. Instead it was an article full of excuses about how men feel emotional voids because their wives don’t show enough appreciation, pushing them to cheat. While I understand that feeling that way can lead to thoughts of infidelity I honestly don’t believe it is 100% the woman’s fault. And that is what I got from this article. It named the reasons as to why men cheat and then gave examples of how women can keep their man from cheating. Instead of men finally accepting responsibility for their actions, they once again blame women. 

Yes women also cheat, I am in no way say that women have never cheated and blamed the man, but for there to be an article completely blaming the victim for the crime, that’s just ridiculous. Not only are women expected to be a great mom, wife, cook, maid, chauffeur, sex kitten, and business woman, we now are expected to control our men and make sure that they don’t act on hormonal urges. How are we expected to do all of this? It is a completely ridiculous demand. 

Maybe I misread the article, or took it out of context, but to me it sounds like it’s the woman’s fault, and it is her responsibility to make sure her husband does not cheat.

Here is the article. Interpret as you will. And correct me if I misread this.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=11290632&page=1

The Skinny On Hollywood

  Hollywood has always been a huge influence on our society. When it comes to Hollywood stars, all eyes are focused on every little thing. From fashion to weight, the public is constantly aware of what the stars are doing, but are the pressures from being under the microscope finally affecting our celebrities? Nowadays women are constantly pushed to be the perfect woman. We need the perfect measurements, the perfect looks, perfect style, perfect everything. And for young Hollywood this can be stressful. Many young actresses are ridiculously skinny. From the stars of 90210 to Miley Cyrus to runway models, the girls are all looking quite unhealthy. It makes sense to be conscious of how you look, especially when you are in the public’s very critical eye, but these girls are giving off unrealistic images for young, vulnerable girls.

            So what can we do to change this problem? For one, we must discard this idea that beautiful is skin and bones. A century ago women who were full figured and shapely were considered beautiful. And in my eyes they still are. Women are naturally built to have curves. We have hips, we have breasts, we shouldn’t hide them, and we sure as hell shouldn’t try to make them disappear. Second, we need to stop analyzing every little flaw we can find. Quit standing in front of the mirror trying to find that little piece of cellulite, or that one roll. If you look hard enough you’ll find something, even if it’s not bad. Women have enough pressure as it is, why add more to yourself buy obsessing over your weight and looks? Yes, being beautiful is a great thing, but confidence and self-love is way sexier than any skin and bones model you see on the runway.

            It’s not only women however, who feel the pressures to have the perfect body; men are feelings the pressures now too. They have to be buff, cut, and have six pack abs to be good looking. More and more men are hopping on the plastic surgery train, altering their looks to be chiseled, buff and tighter looking.

 Liposuction and implants have become a huge trend in our society. Nip this, tuck that, add a little more here, take some from there, we all want to alter our looks to be more pleasing. But who says we aren’t pleasing already? Who has decided that our looks just aren’t beautiful? While Hollywood is not the only one to blame, it is the most influential. 

Nothing Can Compare...

I’ve always been a little afraid of love, and not just the love of a boyfriend, but also the love of a friend. I think because as a child my family moved around so often I learned to not get too attached to anyone besides my family. It was hard enough to get to know someone and get close enough to call them a good friend, then have to say goodbye a year or two later. As a child it’s not so hard. Friendships come and go. Your best friend is the kid who shares most with you, but as you get older and have to say goodbye so often, you learn that having a best friend is impossible. So when I finally ended up in Wisconsin for good I thought everything had changed. I thought I would have that one great group of friends that is always portrayed in television and books. You know the group where everyone is so close, but everyone pairs up and has a best friend. And to be honest I had that for a while. But when we all went to different high schools, that group changed. We grew apart, found new friends, and once again I had to say goodbye. It’s hard, but it’s something we all have to go through. The same thing happened when college came, and by then we had already developed such strong bonds, that I thought nothing could tear us apart. Even relationships were stronger. Yet change brought distance and distance brought heartbreak. Now that I’m in my 20’s and finding that love is real, at least to the people around me, it’s even scarier. You have to put your trust into someone completely and hope that they won’t rip you to shreds. I once read a quote that said, “Loving someone doesn’t mean just giving them your heart, it means giving them your heart and trusting them to not tear it to pieces.” That scared me. I thought I knew what love was, I had the boyfriend in high school that I loved dearly, and still do. But I could never trust him not to do that. So then what did I experience with him? Many would say puppy love, or even first love. But if that quote is true then was it love at all? Were those four years just infatuation, or was it a shallower form of love? I’ll never be sure, but I do know that I envy anyone who can fully trust someone with his or her heart.

I think I fell in love again, at least close to it, but with that came absolute heartbreak. With a whole country between us, I knew it would never work, but for some reason I can’t get over him. I try and tell myself that he doesn’t care, that it was just a fling to him, and it works most days, I just can’t let him go. And I know why, he did something that no one has ever done for me before. He put himself completely out there, and showed that I could trust him. He would say things that you would assume were only being said to get me in bed with him, but they were said after. I could hear the sincerity in his voice; feel the truth when he touched me. A connection like that was scary, but it felt amazing. However, I let that amazing and scary feeling take over and bailed. I hurt him so I wouldn’t get hurt. Because I knew that with him, things could and would have gotten serious. And to be honest, that scares the hell out of me. Knowing that I could love someone so much that I couldn’t say goodbye ever is one of the scariest things in the world to me. So after I hurt him, and got away from that connection, I thought I was fine, yet slowly what I did started haunting me. Everything reminded me of him, I constantly thought about him, and I couldn’t go to the mall without having to hide so I wouldn’t see him. It was ridiculous and pathetic and I finally came to my senses and wrote him an apology letter. I figured my apology would mean nothing to him, and that he would just discard it, but one day I got a letter back. It took me awhile to read it, my stomach doing flips, but when I finally did that amazing and scary feeling I got came right back, but it wasn’t as scary. It was nice and comforting. And it grew as we hung out more. When I was with him, I was truly happy. That’s a big thing for me, to be truly happy. But as fate would have it, we both moved away to pursue our dreams, his music, and my photography. I told myself we would stay in contact, even though I knew that was a lie. After the move I didn’t talk to him for a while, and when I finally did our conversation was distant and cold. That’s when I started telling myself he didn’t care and that I was just fun for him. And then I think back to that one night when he said he would never hurt me and sounded so sincere. How can someone go from caring so much to distant in such a short period of time? Maybe it was revenge for what I did to him, or maybe he is just as scared of love as I am. I may never know, but what I do know is that love is the scariest and most amazing thing to ever experience. I may never experience it again, but as scared of it as I am, I am so envious of everyone who has it.

The whole point of this is to tell you that being in love is worth it. It’s worth the heartache and pain, but also worth the happiness and bliss. Don’t hold back like I did. Don’t ruin it because you’re scared. Being scared makes it all the more better in the end.